So, off-color humor lines, as provided by my family (1) (language alert)

I mean lines similar to "nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs" (obligatory cat pic (this is woodrow the ginger nitwit telling me to buzz off)).

If you haven't heard the long-tailed cat line, the joy of it is the way the image works. It sums up exactly what you mean with no effort, at least for those who've seen cat and rocking chair and can imagine the catastrophe awaiting.

Except... I don't know about you, but my family (I mean a particular branch of the family, not all of them) didn't have many barriers around the kids. There were certain words that were off limits, but otherwise if you heard d*mn, sh!t, p!ss, son of a b!tch, g*dd*mn little bastards (my great-grandfather's description of us on the, ah, rare occasions when we deserved it =>), as a kid you were expected to ignore it.

And I don't just mean the men, either. My grandmother and great-grandmother are/were just as non-inclined to "watch their mouth" as the men were. Basically, their attitude was that, they were adults, we were kids, and they weren't about to not speak as adults. It was our job to learn the difference.

By the way, on that side we're farmers, hunters, fishermen, plumbers, carpenters, etc. So no inclination to pretend to society manners.

Let me give you an example. The first time I heard "she got her tit caught in a wringer" it wasn't from one of my uncles, grandfathers, etc. It was from my grandmother. I giggled for a week. You should have seen my mother's face.

If I recall correctly, I was about three. I knew better, but every time my mother and I were alone, I made sure to repeat it for her, just to watch her try and keep a straight face.

Another one I heard from my great-grandmother first? Nervous as a hooker in church. I was a little older before I heard that one, but it was still one of those wonderful lines that I cackle with glee because of who I heard it from.

Oh, by the way. Kids who hang out in the kitchen and can learn to help cook and keep their mouths shut get to hear all kinds of things. Beware the sneaky little buggers...

My great-grandfather was absolutely not being an old bastard himself when he called us little bastards, g*dd*amned little bastards, or other variations. He loved us all dearly, beyond words. He'd never say a true angry word to any of us, and it would have killed him if we ever saw him angry.

But he was also never going to let us get away with anything, either. And since taming us bunch of, well, g*dd*mned little bastards would have required an iron boot and a whip, dirty language that made you laugh when you heard him say it, and oh by the way take a moment to gauge whether you were really in trouble...

Let's say there are worse ways to be.

My grandfather, one in particular, contributed to my education here as well. Stink strong enough to knock a buzzard off a sh!t waggon at fifty yards. Busier than a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest. Crazier than a sh!t-house rat.

That particular grandfather was a professional musican, professional gambler, race driver (cars, motorcycles, and boats that I'm sure of), trucker, plumber, HVAC tech... basically he could and did do just about anything in a long full life.

Which meant he always had a story and more than a few such phrases to go along with them.