We've Got A Kanocker In The Walls

We've had a few hiccups around here this week. Seems someone up in the Arctic regions left the freezer door open...

I didn't have much hope I'd even get a chance to write anything this week. But then the pipes started rattling this morning...

We've Got A Kanocker in the Walls

He moved in sometime last night. I cornered him at the upstairs toilet, first thing this morning.

He'd started rattling the pipes. "I blew in on the north wind, figured this looked like a good place to hang out for a while."

"Uh-huh. And break a few lines while you're at it?"

"Nope, I'm not a Breaker. Just a Rattler."

Rattles lead to breaks if you let them run long enough. But, ok, I figured he'd move on.

Well, hoped, more like it. But then the downstairs toilet started rattling. I took the cover off the supply manifold.

"Your plumber did good work," the kanocker said. He grabbed hold of the pipe, his pipe, and gave it a good shake. "Yep, that's good stuff. That's why the Breakers passed you by."

"Unless I'd not been home?"

He shrugged. "They like old houses, and abandoned ones. Just be glad you weren't traveling this week."

I shuddered at that one. The news, when we've had power long enough to catch it, have been showing the damage porn. "So, if you're moved in upstairs, who's this then?" I pointed at the pipe that feeds our downstairs toilet.

He leaned over to get a good look, then whistled. "Hey, Gary?"

"Yeah?"

"Ok, just checking." The kanocker turned to me. "That's my cousin."

"Breaker?"

"Nope, he's a Rattler, by marriage. He took up with Sherry, oh, a couple centuries back."

I gave him half an ear while I fiddled with valves. I think we'd made it back to when he'd had to start learning French and English when Sarah caught up to us. "You're not headed to the hardware store, are you?"

"Well, it's an easy fix. All I have to do is..."

"No!" "Oh hell no!"

I looked from the kanocker to my wife. "What?"

"Remember the ice machine? And don't even get me started on the garbage disposal."

I carefully didn't look toward the kitchen. I kind of liked the way it turned out. Really. "Well, look. There's no way we're getting a plumber right now, they're too busy."

"Too busy to make some money?"

I started to remind her of what the little bit of news we caught last night. Thousands of calls, broken pipes, another hard freeze tonight.

"Ahem."

I shut my lips and turned back to the kanocker.

"I like Molson. If you're headed out, I mean."

"Not Labatt's?"

He shook his head.

"What about Gary?"

The kanocker looked at his cousin's pipe, then leaned toward me. "Gary's not real selective, if you know what I mean? Free beer is always his speed."

Right. "I think I've got you covered. Anything else, while I'm out I mean?"

His grin gave me all the answer I needed to that one.

****

Molsons, pizza from the place nearest to Montreal style I could find. And conversation with a couple of recent immigrants. All of it from the floor of the utility room.

"We like it cozy," the upstairs kanocker told me. "Your living room ceiling's awfully high."

And we don't even have a vault, it's just a ten foot ceiling. Compared to some of our neighbors, we're hobbits. "I get that."

Sarah left us sometime around the start of the second six pack. "Just see if you can find out when they're planning on leaving?"

I'm not really sure if I asked them or not. When I woke up the next morning, they'd left. With a note. "Thanks for the stay, take care of the place for us. You wouldn't want any Breakers coming in, you know how they are!"

I showed the note to Sarah.

"I guess that means we're hiring a handyman service?" she asked. Innocently.

I looked at the manifold, cover still off. "Just make sure they know to ask before they start doing anything with the plumbing."

****

We got a postcard from Cancun today. One of those ones where they take your picture and print it out on cardstock. Two kid sized tourista sombreros were parked on the sand beneath a palm tree.

"Really enjoying the break from the weather," the kanocker wrote. "And it turns out I was wrong about Gary. Seems he's really fallen in love with Modelo. See you next winter!"

I showed it to Sarah. "Looks like I need to lay in some supplies."